@garrettbarry70: If by mathematician you mean dividing the number of snacks in my car by the number of miles I need to drive, then yes, I'm a mathematician.
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@DanMentos: [signing birth certificate] wife: you put Owen, right? me: yup nurse: Now we'll just need a footprint from little [reading] "Owned"
@sammyrhodes: If you've ever wondered which of your friends loved V for Vendetta, you're in luck today.
@MandiAtRandom: Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth...and drink all the vodka inside. It seems to help
@aveuaskew: Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.