If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
You Might Also Like
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Happy thanksgiving!
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.