Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
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My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.