crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
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[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
never ask a starfish for directions
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.