If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
You Might Also Like
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
LOL!
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.