If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
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Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”