If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
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Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.