If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
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A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…