If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
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(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
(by @ZachWeiner )
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
me before I type out affect or effect
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Isn’t
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.