If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
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I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.