me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
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In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins