If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
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The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Things will get butter, keep churning
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.