If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
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This is why I don’t delete Facebook
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
bout dat hot dog summer
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????