@pdxjohnny99: If Canada takes over the world we're all going to be sorry.
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@NewDadNotes: Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae? Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
@tequilasaltlife: I'm a good driver until there is a cop behind me Then I become a paranoid weed transporter from the border
@Juicedballs: Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
@Brianhopecomedy: Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.