If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
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When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
The booster protects against what, now?
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
That’s no pocket rocket.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Y’all know who you are.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me