@canadian_jane: If cancer is ever cured it'll probably be because of the people who liked all of the Facebook statuses that are against cancer.
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@HatfieldAnne: “As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it's “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
@Thepinkparka: Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting. Until you realize you live alone.
@chuuew: [emergency room] NURSE: It seems you've swallowed an abacus? ME: She told me it's what's on the inside that counts WIFE: I hate you
@skitzoette: Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion. Totally ruined Grandpa's 90th birthday.