I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
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Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me