If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
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If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Breaking news:
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?