If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
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just having fun
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
My what?
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty