@SamGrittner: If Captain America doesn't have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn't fighting for the America I want to live in.
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@ClichedOut: Baby Judge: You're sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas. *baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys* *an infant juror spits up*
@scottthetwat: Drug sniffing dogs are wrong 80 percent of the time. You would be too if you were sniffing drugs all day.
@Parkerlawyer: Listening to my husband's gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
@SCbchbum: me: how old is your baby? her: 46 weeks me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?