If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
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Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later