If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
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He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
My work here is don’t.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣