Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
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*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.