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#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Dear Lord..
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*