If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
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Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.