@timdonakowski: If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they'd put cocaine back in their recipe.
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@daemonic3: [waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey! "What'll it be?" [out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I'm vegan
@FriedWords: Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
@JessG828: Kid just asked "why is it called 'flipping the bird'? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle." I can't even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
@DoogieHorner: Dogs are "practice babies" and cats are "practice ex-girlfriends you still have to share an apartment with."