I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
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Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house