Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
You Might Also Like
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Had to try this trend 😊
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?