@dumbbeezie: If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
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@AristotlesNZ: Boss: Project's way behind. Suggestions? I'm willing to try anything. Me: *raises hand* Him: Anything but "helper monkeys" Me: *lowers hand*
@bridger_w: If I were a mob boss, I'd ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
@13spencer: I just found out that "Birdman" has nothing to do with Hawkeye, and now I want to see it.
@iLikeCatShirts: *throws a rock at a bird* Me [writing in "science" journal]: birds don't like rocks.