If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
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Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.