chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
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Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Simple
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
All set.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*