[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
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I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.