@Thynebear: If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn't even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
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@SteveKoehler22: Nike is coming out with a line of Air Brady football shoes. They have a built in suspension feature. You just have to let some air out.
@jdforshort: If flying by the seat of your pants was so easy, do you think I would still be dealing with morning traffic to get to work?
@LuvPug: I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can't tweet it again because it's already been stolen
@sofarrsogud: ZOO BOSS: You're fired! ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife? BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.