If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
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My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
*weighs self after shaving
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote