@Thynebear: If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn't even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
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@Iwriteforcats: The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don't have to share your snacks.
@truegritrumble: (Halloween Costume Shop) ME: *leaving after not finding anything* CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren't free, buddy.
@KKBowls: My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I'm already up to 3 times a day"
@AddledPixie: "Mommy, why does an old person's skin look so see-through?" Aw, honey, it's just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.