@fart: if cops want to catch serial killers why don't they just hang out at petsmart and follow home the guys that buy tarantulas
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@mynameisntdave: ME: how long will it take to remodel my house? CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months [9 years later] CONTRACTOR: ok so we've installed 1 stair
@QwertyJones3: Marathon runner: I think we're lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way? Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
@dubiousrhetoric: KILLER [burying me alive]: ME: I appear to be in... grave danger. KILLER [calls the police]:
@GrantTanaka: Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked "So what's the exhibit?" & the guy was like "You're breathing it, man."