me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
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If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.