If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
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#parenting
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic