Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
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[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
black phone good