writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
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[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.