If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
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Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Fight
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds