@_definitlymaybe: If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
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@StinkyGr33n: 🎵Whooooaaaa, I'm halfway therrreee WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR Take this wig, we'll fake it I swearrrrr WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
@novicefather: *writes employment history on arm *writes professional references on thigh *writes email address on neck *adds "resume" to resume
@SamanthaRae49: I don't usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I'm at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
@weinerdog4life: Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate