If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
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I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
She puts the hot in psychotic
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money