If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
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My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30