if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
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Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?