if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
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i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.