@OhReallyRach: If cupids didnt have wings, theyd just be fat little baby assassins with crossbows.
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@chuuew: WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked? ME: [pretending I didn't eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
@SteveSuckington: "Expose yourself to Art" they said "Art will tase you and call the cops on you" they didn't say
@fro_vo: [watching wonder woman] *wonder woman comes onscreen* Me: (leans over to date) that's wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
@markedly: ME: Don't you see, the treasure is our friendship PIRATE: ...Aye ME: 😊 P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn't ya