Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
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me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
This January has 47 Mondays
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.