If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
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*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
My teenage children choosing violence
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”