@MariyaAlexander: If diamonds are a girl's best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
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@SamGrittner: "WHAT DO WE WANT?!" "SELF-CONFIDENCE!" "WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!" *everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
@DumbConfessions: Psychologist: Go to your happy place. Me: *grabs car keys* Psychologist: Where are you going? Me: The liquor store.
@daemonic3: Ok, milk... Check! Potato salad... Check! Tomatoes... Check! "Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?"