If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
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I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.