@MariyaAlexander: If diamonds are a girl's best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
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@lazerdoov: Home Depot is having their "ultimate tool event" in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
@truegritrumble: ME: I hit my neighbors car. CAT: I killed my last 4 owners. ME: YOU CAN TALK! CAT: ... ME: Wait, what did you just say? CAT: *blinks*
@TheMichaelRock: My 8yo knows exactly how many hours are left until Christmas but can't remember to flush the toilet.