If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
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Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.