If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
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Truth
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other