If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
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Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
gm
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.