if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
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You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!