If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
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[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that