If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
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the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.