If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
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LA today:
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”